One small step for man one giant leap for moonbeams

50 years ago today, Neil Armstrong became the first man to walk on the moon. But according to Dave King’s pet poodle at the Daily Record, it was a mere stroll in the park to the strides that Rangers have made under Steven Gerrard.

Just as out of this world as Ralston’s comparison with the moon landings and Rangers under Gerrard was, is the latest diatribe from the comedy website Ibrox Noise.

The delusion knows no bounds at Ibrox Noise and their latest fantastical claims blow every other claim they have made since they started out of the water.

After boasting about their scoring feat against the third best club in Gibraltar or lower league English clubs and the fact they didn’t concede a single goal in the process - they actually think that Celtic fans are afraid of their pre-season performances!

Don’t worry their claims get even more out of this world!

They claim that Rangers have player assets worth around £!30 million, that the team is now packed with experienced internationals, with winners and with players of rising international stock and coveted names.

They even called their players Rangers’ crown jewels!

James Tavernier - not even the best footballer in his family - is now supposedly worth £15 million-plus. Just ignore the fact he has no Champions League or International football experience. His penalties and assists in the Scottish Premiership makes him worth £!5 million!

They even claim that the majority of Celtic fans would have him at right back in an ultimate Old Firm XI. Well Celtic don’t actually have a right back so I guess they could be right.

But despite having ‘frightening stats’ not one club has sat up and approached Rangers with a view to signing the full back - despite the plethora of articles written by poodles like Gary Ralston pimping the second best player in the Tavernier family out to anyone who are desperate enough to want to buy a full back that can’t defend against Scottish Premiership clubs.

Despite playing second fiddle to wife beating Jon Flanagan for much of the second half of the season, Borna Barisic is now worth a theoretical £20 million. They even call him a genuinely world class player. And even use the price tag of Kieran Tierney as some sort of evidence that Barisic is worth as much as the Celtic full back.

Signed for just £65000 in January, Glen Kamara is now a £20 million - his value is almost stratospheric with colossal potential. From one of the finest academies in England to his short spell at Dundee, rather than signing for a big club, he had to settle for a move to Rangers for buttons rather than waiting until the end of the season for a free transfer.

Latest signing, Joe Aribo from Charlton has gone from £250,000 to £10 million even £20 million after playing well against the third best club in Gibraltar. Yet only Rangers came in for him. The mind does indeed boggle.

Then there is Scott Arfield, the Canadian international worth £10-15 million on the Ibrox Noise Wheel of Fortune staunchometer. If anyone wanted him they would have to part with £10-15 million not that anyone wants him.

All summer we have heard how Rangers have been trying to bring Ryan Kent back to Ibrox, but with an increased loan fee and a permanent fee of £12 million reportedly the asking price - then they will have to settle for Jordan Jones. A player they got on a free from Kilmarnock after refusing to pay £600,000 for him. But who needs Ryan Kent when they now have a player that is more dangerous than Ryan Kent off the back of beating St.Joseph’s twice.

And then there is the illustrious son of a mattress, Alfredo Morelos. A thuggish, diving, wee fanny that can’t score against Celtic but has a value that has fluctuated between £20 to £30 million - but when he gets sent off he’s just worth a mere £5 million.

Strangely, despite his goal scoring prowess and all the hot air blown up his arse from those inside the corridors at Ibrox and the fan base - not one club has came in for him other than a £2 million offer last season - according to Steven Gerrard - and a list of phantom clubs in China.

Despite the poodles in the mainstream media trying their damnedest to flog Rangers’ prized assets of Tavernier and Morelos to fund Gerrard’s latest transfer revolution - not one club has came forward to place a bid - not even a lowball insulting one. Wonder why that is?

In fact, both of Rangers’ most prized assets won’t muster a fee anywhere near the fee being discussed about Kieran Tierney. Our top players move to Lyon, linked with Arsenal, move to Liverpool or Tottenham Hotspur via Southampton. Rangers’ players end up on loan to Fleetwood Town or Shrewsbury Town. They can’t even get rid of their fringe players. Levels.

Just like Buzz Aldrin did to a moon landing conspiracy theorist - the lads at Ibrox Noise need some sense knocked into them and it won’t be long before they come crashing back down to earth when their £130 million basket of assets finish behind a Celtic side celebrating their ninth league title in a row.

David Murray’s hover pitch and moonbeams can’t compete with these keyboard bashing zombies supporting a club that struggles to get anywhere near a £40 million turnover. Maybe if they had said their playing squad was worth £13 million then maybe they would have been taken more seriously.

Just like their claims of Going for 55 after just seven years of history.